The Cottage Smallholder


stumbling self sufficiency in a small space

Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_Feed Topic RSS sp_TopicIcon
Elmo's delight
Mon 20-Dec-10
3:20 pm
Avatar
bobbyW
Suffolk

Expert
Members

New members
Forum Posts: 583
Member Since:
Sun 25-Jul-10
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A new employee is hired at the "Tickle Me Elmo" (a cuddly toy
which laughs when tickled)
factory. The Personnel Manager explains
her duties and tells her to report to work promptly at 8.00am.

The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this
new employee. He says she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up. The foreman takes the Personnel Manager down to the factory
floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of
the line is the new employee. She has a roll of material used for the
Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little
piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the
little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
minutes he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says "I
am sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday, I said, your job is to
give Elmo "two test tickles". big_laugh

"I THINK MY GUARDIAN ANGEL DRINKS"

Mon 20-Dec-10
3:24 pm
Avatar
Toffeeapple
North Bucks

Members

Moderators
Forum Posts: 16220
Member Since:
Tue 22-Sep-09
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So glad I wasn't drinking tea when I read that!  big_laugh  Thanks Bob!

I'll try that again!

Mon 20-Dec-10
3:45 pm
Avatar
typhoo
France - ex Ecosse

Expert
Members

New members
Forum Posts: 537
Member Since:
Fri 8-Oct-10
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
Mon 20-Dec-10
4:03 pm
Avatar
danast
Argyll, Scotland

Supreme Being
Members
Forum Posts: 10232
Member Since:
Thu 24-Sep-09
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

big_laugh  Excellent  big_laugh

Old teachers never die, they just lose their class

Mon 20-Dec-10
7:52 pm
Avatar
paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

Councillor
Members

New members
Forum Posts: 1321
Member Since:
Tue 20-Apr-10
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an
unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot,
named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the
perfect gift.
 "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
 "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop
 owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet
began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held
another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and
the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home
as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift
she was overwhelmed.
 "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
 "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
 So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left
 foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells!
 Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and
out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
 The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the
 lighter between his legs?"
 The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his
 wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face,
 cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the
 performance of his life:

 "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

Mon 20-Dec-10
9:27 pm
Avatar
Terrier
York

Supreme Being
Members

New members
Forum Posts: 4518
Member Since:
Tue 22-Sep-09
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ho Ho Ho...

Mon 20-Dec-10
11:24 pm
Avatar
paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

Councillor
Members

New members
Forum Posts: 1321
Member Since:
Tue 20-Apr-10
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Happy Christmas

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

Tue 21-Dec-10
8:03 am
Avatar
danast
Argyll, Scotland

Supreme Being
Members
Forum Posts: 10232
Member Since:
Thu 24-Sep-09
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

big_laugh  Love it  big_laugh

Old teachers never die, they just lose their class

Tue 21-Dec-10
8:09 am
Avatar
danast
Argyll, Scotland

Supreme Being
Members
Forum Posts: 10232
Member Since:
Thu 24-Sep-09
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A Touching Scottish Story for Christmas!!!!!                                                                                                                       

  A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,   "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is  enough".                                                                                                             
                                                                                                                       
  "Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.                                                                 
                                                                                                                       
  "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell  her".                                                                                                                                                                       
  Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts,     "I'll take care of this".      She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing  until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.   Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
  HEAR ME?" and hangs up.                                                                                              
                                                                                                                       
  The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.                                                                
  "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."                                             
                                                                                                                       

Old teachers never die, they just lose their class

Tue 21-Dec-10
8:48 am
Avatar
paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

Councillor
Members

New members
Forum Posts: 1321
Member Since:
Tue 20-Apr-10
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Brilliant !!

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

Tue 21-Dec-10
10:10 am
Avatar
typhoo
France - ex Ecosse

Expert
Members

New members
Forum Posts: 537
Member Since:
Fri 8-Oct-10
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
Tue 21-Dec-10
10:45 am
Avatar
bobbyW
Suffolk

Expert
Members

New members
Forum Posts: 583
Member Since:
Sun 25-Jul-10
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Father Christmas must be Irish

There are seven windows and two doors in my home,
and he comes down the chimney?

 

 

 

"I THINK MY GUARDIAN ANGEL DRINKS"

Tue 21-Dec-10
3:15 pm
Avatar
Michelle from Oregon
Oregon, USA

Councillor
Members
Forum Posts: 1343
Member Since:
Tue 22-Sep-09
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you everyone for the jokes, my face is splitting! big_laugh big_laugh big_laugh

If you can't be a shining example, be a terrible warning!

Tue 21-Dec-10
10:35 pm
Avatar
paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

Councillor
Members

New members
Forum Posts: 1321
Member Since:
Tue 20-Apr-10
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in New Brunswick.
 
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes.
 
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "Ive heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and
from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general and all in the name of humour!"
 
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little squirt on your
knee!"

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

Tue 21-Dec-10
10:46 pm
Avatar
Rae Mond
Waalre, NL

Councillor
Members
Forum Posts: 1079
Member Since:
Thu 7-Jan-10
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

on that note

A blonde woman was fed up of being the butt of jokes at the office. So she quite,learned the names and capitals of all the member states of the EU to impress people in inteviews, dyed her hair and got a new job elsewhere, for more money.

One day she was driving along a country lane in her swanky new car that she'd bought with her bags of new spare disposable income when she came to an abrupt stop because of some sheep in the road.

It was spring time, and there were some super adorable little lambs with the flock. The shepherd was very apologetic  about causing her delay, and she said "it's ok. Those lambs are just adorable. I tell you what, if I can name all the member states of the EU and their capitals,can I have one of them?"

Oddly enough, the shepherd was very interested in intercontinental affairs, and thought this was a fair challenge. The lady proudly rattled off her party piece and selected her prize.

By this time the flock were about clear of the road, but before the lady drove off the shepherd said "That was very impressive, but I've got another bet for you; if I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

Intolerance will not be tolerated.

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: Europe/London

Most Users Ever Online: 509

Currently Online:
17 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

brightspark: 10485

danast: 10232

Aly: 9421

Sooliz: 7981

Hattie: 6920

Ambersparkle: 6665

JoannaS: 4800

Terrier: 4518

eileen54: 4396

Xahha: 4231

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 9

Members: 15382

Moderators: 2

Admins: 2

Forum Stats:

Groups: 6

Forums: 25

Topics: 2246

Posts: 122520

Newest Members:

Homerlog, CoreyHinge, Niki1Kevete, vincymol, DaryaLoUp, johnnyPAM

Moderators: Toffeeapple: 16220, AdminTA: 10

Administrators: fn: 321, Danny: 5516


Copyright © 2006-2012 Cottage Smallholder      Our Privacy Policy      Advertise on Cottage Smallholder