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- Joke of the Day
Sun 9-Jan-11
2:24 am
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Neil
Dalgarven Ayrshire

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Found them.   Feel free to link to them.

 

http://s215.photobucket.com/albums/cc68/dalgarvenbooks/gifs/

 

2pages, I only put the clean ones up.    yada

 

 

 

 

Sun 9-Jan-11
6:01 am
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Michelle from Oregon
Oregon, USA

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danast said:

wave Sorry someone just emailed me this.  Couldn't resist sharing.   I hope you all understand the lingo!!!!!!

Mike and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport . One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Mike said, "Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!".

 Jim says, "Me as weel. Y'ken, I've heard ye can swallie jet fuel an' get a buzz. Ye gonnae try it?
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hootch and get completely smashed. The next morning Mike wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
> >
Jim says, "Hey, how dae ye feel this mornin'?"
> >
Mike says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yersel'?"
> >
Jim says, "Ah feel great, tae. Dae ye hiv a sair heid?"
> >
Mike says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae hangover, nothin'.
> > We need tae drink this stuff insteed o' Smirnoff."
> >
"Aye! But there's just wan thing..."
> >

"Whit's that?"
> >
"Huv ye farted yet?"
> >
 "Naw..."
> >
"Well, DINNAE, 'cause ah'm in Dusseldorf !"

 


 Thanks to Terry Pratchett, I understood.......the Language of The Wee Free Men, tis' it not?

big_laugh

If you can't be a shining example, be a terrible warning!

Sun 9-Jan-11
6:04 am
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Michelle from Oregon
Oregon, USA

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bobbyW said:

I think the embroidered knickers is more intersting subject...pray enlighten us!


 

Danny said:

Oh, it's just one of those things that TA "let drop" on here a few months ago, Bob. big_laugh


 

bobbyW said:

Loose Elastic then


 

Wow.....the stuff you miss if you're not paying attention around here....eeek

If you can't be a shining example, be a terrible warning!

Sun 9-Jan-11
11:20 am
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Toffeeapple
North Bucks

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Michelle from Oregon said:

Wow.....the stuff you miss if you're not paying attention around here....eeek


 

Yes, you have to have your wits about you sometimes.   Neat jokes everyone.

I'll try that again!

Sun 9-Jan-11
1:25 pm
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Neil
Dalgarven Ayrshire

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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in
one swig.
 
"Well, whatcha' gonna do 'bout it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.
 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to
see a man crying."
 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was
late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found
my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the
cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog
bit me."
 

 

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I
buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve.
Then, some prat shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me,
how's your day going?

Sun 9-Jan-11
3:19 pm
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paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

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Manure... An interesting fact

Manure: In the 16th and  17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also  before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were  common.

It was  shipped dry, because in  dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but  once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of  fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane  gas. 

As the stuff  was stored below decks in bundles, you  can see what  could (and did) happen.
Methane  began to build up below decks and the first
time someone  came below at night with a lantern,
BOOOOM! 

Several  ships  were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what  was happening. 

After that,  the bundles of manure were always stamped  with the term  'Ship High In Transit' on them, which  meant for the  sailors to stow it high enough off the  lower decks  so that any water that came into the hold  would not  touch this volatile cargo and start the  production of  methane.

Thus evolved  the term ' S.H.I.T ' ,
(Ship High In  Transport) which has come down
through the  centuries and is in use to this very day.. 

You may not have known the true history of this word.

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

Sun 9-Jan-11
5:46 pm
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Heather E
Rubery, Worcestershire

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Hard to follow Neil and Seth, but I heard this on 'Sorry I Haven't a Clue' today - it was the 'new definitions' round.

 

Towel Rail - Where a Yorkshireman parks his owl.

big_laughbig_laugh

Gone crazy. Back soon.

Sun 9-Jan-11
6:01 pm
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Toffeeapple
North Bucks

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I heard that, but not today, must have been last Monday evening.  Made I larf!  big_laugh

I'll try that again!

Mon 10-Jan-11
8:54 am
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Neil
Dalgarven Ayrshire

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Heather E said:

Hard to follow Neil and Seth, but I heard this on 'Sorry I Haven't a Clue' today - it was the 'new definitions' round.

 

Towel Rail - Where a Yorkshireman parks his owl.

big_laughbig_laugh


 

hehehe Love it. ok

Little Johnny was spending
the weekend with his grandmother after a

particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to

take him to the park on Saturday morning.

It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His

grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this

scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes

you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that

Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Mon 10-Jan-11
11:28 am
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seth
lincolnshire fens

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Three ladies of a dignified age were sitting in the garden of their retirement home , a male resident approached and said "Do you know how old I am ?"  "I know how to find out " said one  "how" he said " "Take your trousers and pants off " He did  "Now jump up and down " He did "Turn around " He did " YOUR'E 83" they yelled together . "How did you do that ?" he asked  " It's easy " they said "We were at your birthday party  yesterday ! "     roll_eyes  runaway

Seed catalogues are responsible for more unfulfilled fantasies than the web and playboy combined . (after Michael Perry)

Mon 10-Jan-11
11:43 am
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bobbyW
East Suffolk almost near the sea and the Castle on the Hill.

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œLORD. THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER

Judy got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband, Ted, died of drink.

She married again, and she & Ben had 7 more children.

Ben was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again remarried. And this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

 

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

 

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel..." 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHEN PARADISE CAME TO AN END! 

 

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"NEVER RIDE FASTER THAN YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL CAN FLY"
Your future self is watching you right now through memories

Mon 10-Jan-11
4:48 pm
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Neil
Dalgarven Ayrshire

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Just into my inbox,

 

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cut off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

 

Arlene: What the hell is that?

 

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

 

Arlene: Where did you get it?

 

Jane: You can get them at any chemist.

 

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

 

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

 

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

 

The pharmacist fainted.

 

 

Mon 10-Jan-11
5:28 pm
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Toffeeapple
North Bucks

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Seth said:

Letting the side down :- Men are Like " Laxatives -they irritate the s**t out of you , Weather-you can't change them , Blenders " you've got one but not sure why , Chocolates " sweet smooth and they go straight to your hips , Lava lamps " fun to look at but not very bright
.

I'll try that again!

Tue 11-Jan-11
4:34 pm
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paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

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The Ashes - it is our turn to crow

 

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.

They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
 
Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.
 
Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky
Ponting: "You lads can bat.''
Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."
 
Q. What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A. A waiter.
 
Q. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
A.The woman who irons their cricket whites.
 
Q. What's the height of optimism? 
A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
 
Q. Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
A. He forgot it was chained to his foot.
 
Q. What is the main function of the Australia coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
 
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle.
His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"
 
Q. What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
 
Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
 
Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
 
Q. What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A. The entire Australian innings.
 
Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
 
Q. Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because he can get out without even trying.
 
Q. What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A. A bat.
 
Q. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A. A vacant lot.
 
Q. What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
 
Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: "I didn't know it was still necessary."
 
Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
A. At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.
 
Q. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?
A. A fisherman
 
Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
A. They don't have any openers
 
Q. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball
 
Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?........ 
A. Retired

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

Tue 11-Jan-11
4:41 pm
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Toffeeapple
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I'm just hoping that we have no Australians on the forum...wink


I'll try that again!

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