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2:24 am
Sun 9-Jan-11
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Neil
| | Dalgarven Ayrshire | |
|  Senior Class | posts 28 | |
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Found them. Feel free to link to them.
http://s215.photobucket.com/albums/cc68/dalgarvenbooks/gifs/
2pages, I only put the clean ones up. 
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6:01 am
Sun 9-Jan-11
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Michelle from Oregon
| | Oregon, USA | |
|  Councillor | posts 1278 | 
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danast said:
 Sorry someone just emailed me this. Couldn't resist sharing. I hope you all understand the lingo!!!!!!
Mike and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport . One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Mike said, "Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!".
Jim says, "Me as weel. Y'ken, I've heard ye can swallie jet fuel an' get a buzz. Ye gonnae try it?
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hootch and get completely smashed. The next morning Mike wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings…It's Jim.
> >
Jim says, "Hey, how dae ye feel this mornin'?"
> >
Mike says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yersel'?"
> >
Jim says, "Ah feel great, tae. Dae ye hiv a sair heid?"
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Mike says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff – nae hangover, nothin'.
> > We need tae drink this stuff insteed o' Smirnoff."
> >
"Aye! But there's just wan thing…"
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"Whit's that?"
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"Huv ye farted yet?"
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"Naw…"
> >
"Well, DINNAE, 'cause ah'm in Dusseldorf !"
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Thanks to Terry Pratchett, I understood…….the Language of The Wee Free Men, tis' it not?
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If you can't be a shining example, be a terrible warning!
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6:04 am
Sun 9-Jan-11
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Michelle from Oregon
| | Oregon, USA | |
| Councillor | posts 1278 |
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bobbyW said:
I think the embroidered knickers is more intersting subject…pray enlighten us!
Danny said:
Oh, it's just one of those things that TA "let drop" on here a few months ago, Bob.
bobbyW said:
Loose Elastic then
Wow…..the stuff you miss if you're not paying attention around here….
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If you can't be a shining example, be a terrible warning!
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11:20 am
Sun 9-Jan-11
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Toffeeapple
| | North Bucks | |
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Michelle from Oregon said:
Wow…..the stuff you miss if you're not paying attention around here….
Yes, you have to have your wits about you sometimes. Neat jokes everyone.
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1:25 pm
Sun 9-Jan-11
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Neil
| | Dalgarven Ayrshire | |
| Senior Class | posts 28 | |
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in
one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do 'bout it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to
see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was
late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found
my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the
cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog
bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I
buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve.
Then, some prat shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me,
how's your day going?
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3:19 pm
Sun 9-Jan-11
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paperman
| | Saxmundham, Suffolk | |
| Councillor | posts 1122 |
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Manure… An interesting fact
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles, you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first
time someone came below at night with a lantern,
BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' ,
(Ship High In Transport) which has come down
through the centuries and is in use to this very day..
You may not have known the true history of this word.
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I might have the body of a decrepid old man but my mind is as sharp as a boulder
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5:46 pm
Sun 9-Jan-11
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Heather E
| | Rubery, Worcestershire | |
|  Knowledegable | posts 344 | |
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Hard to follow Neil and Seth, but I heard this on 'Sorry I Haven't a Clue' today – it was the 'new definitions' round.
Towel Rail – Where a Yorkshireman parks his owl.
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6:01 pm
Sun 9-Jan-11
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Toffeeapple
| | North Bucks | |
| | posts 9258 | |
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I heard that, but not today, must have been last Monday evening. Made I larf!
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8:54 am
Mon 10-Jan-11
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Neil
| | Dalgarven Ayrshire | |
| Senior Class | posts 28 | |
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Heather E said:
Hard to follow Neil and Seth, but I heard this on 'Sorry I Haven't a Clue' today – it was the 'new definitions' round.
Towel Rail – Where a Yorkshireman parks his owl.
hehehe Love it. 
Little Johnny was spending
the weekend with his grandmother after a
particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to
take him to the park on Saturday morning.
It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His
grandmother remarked…"doesn't it look like an artist painted this
scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes
you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that
Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
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11:28 am
Mon 10-Jan-11
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seth
| | lincolnshire fens | |
| Councillor | posts 1198 | |
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Three ladies of a dignified age were sitting in the garden of their retirement home , a male resident approached and said "Do you know how old I am ?" "I know how to find out " said one "how" he said " "Take your trousers and pants off " He did "Now jump up and down " He did "Turn around " He did " YOUR'E 83" they yelled together . "How did you do that ?" he asked " It's easy " they said "We were at your birthday party yesterday ! "  
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I don't suffer from insanity,I enjoy it.
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11:43 am
Mon 10-Jan-11
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bobbyW
| | Suffolk | |
| Knowledegable | posts 296 | |
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“LORD. THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER”
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of drink.
She married again, and she & Ben had 7 more children.
Ben was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again remarried. And this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:…."I think he means her legs, Ethel…"
———————————————————————————————————————
WHEN PARADISE CAME TO AN END!
 
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4:48 pm
Mon 10-Jan-11
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Neil
| | Dalgarven Ayrshire | |
| Senior Class | posts 28 | |
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Post edited 4:50 pm – Mon 10-Jan-11 by Neil
Just into my inbox,
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cut off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
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5:28 pm
Mon 10-Jan-11
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Toffeeapple
| | North Bucks | |
| | posts 9258 | |
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Seth said:
Letting the side down :- Men are Like – Laxatives -they irritate the s**t out of you , Weather-you can't change them , Blenders – you've got one but not sure why , Chocolates – sweet smooth and they go straight to your hips , Lava lamps – fun to look at but not very bright
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4:34 pm
Tue 11-Jan-11
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paperman
| | Saxmundham, Suffolk | |
| Councillor | posts 1122 |
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The Ashes – it is our turn to crow
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.
Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky
Ponting: "You lads can bat.''
Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."
Q. What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A. A waiter.
Q. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
A.The woman who irons their cricket whites.
Q. What's the height of optimism?
A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
A. He forgot it was chained to his foot.
Q. What is the main function of the Australia coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle.
His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"
Q. What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A. The entire Australian innings.
Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Q. Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because he can get out without even trying.
Q. What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A. A vacant lot.
Q. What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: "I didn't know it was still necessary."
Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
A. At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.
Q. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?
A. A fisherman
Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
A. They don't have any openers
Q. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball
Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?……..
A. Retired
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I might have the body of a decrepid old man but my mind is as sharp as a boulder
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4:41 pm
Tue 11-Jan-11
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Toffeeapple
| | North Bucks | |
| | posts 9258 | |
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I'm just hoping that we have no Australians on the forum…
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