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- Joke of the Day
Sat 15-Jan-11
1:05 pm
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paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

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My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

Sat 15-Jan-11
2:41 pm
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brightspark
Wilts

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....... like the little lad at school (aged 7) who asked me 'What's it like to be dead?'

 

One wonders why they ask these questions .....big_laugh   big_laugh

 

brightsparklystuff

"How do you spell 'Love'?" (Piglet). 

"You don't spell it, you feel it" (Pooh).

 'A hug,' said Pooh 'is always the right size!' 

Sat 15-Jan-11
5:20 pm
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bobbyW
East Suffolk almost near the sea and the Castle on the Hill.

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Or the old lady that asked me to drop her off near the hospital......."There's no hospital on my route madam".................her reply...."you know,..........the one that the doodlebug hit in the war!"

"NEVER RIDE FASTER THAN YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL CAN FLY"
Your future self is watching you right now through memories

Sat 15-Jan-11
5:36 pm
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Toffeeapple
North Bucks

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She had a long memory!

I'll try that again!

Wed 19-Jan-11
9:19 am
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paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

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An American friend has sent me the following overnight, it came with a lot of graphics too but I cannot see how to upload, easily, the whole thing so here it is minus the graphics, I don't  know who put this together in the first place but it is just brilliant maybe even a little sad who knows:

 

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn..

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz , and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

 

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many

And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon , Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice..

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led
And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.


We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea

Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis  ;was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

Mon 24-Jan-11
2:51 pm
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bobbyW
East Suffolk almost near the sea and the Castle on the Hill.

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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, she knocked on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

 

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

 


 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." 

"NEVER RIDE FASTER THAN YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL CAN FLY"
Your future self is watching you right now through memories

Mon 24-Jan-11
3:04 pm
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paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.  Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they  were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly  jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry....  How soon can I go home?'

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

Mon 24-Jan-11
3:23 pm
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Toffeeapple
North Bucks

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Where do you all get these?  Does my old heart so much good, thank you!

I'll try that again!

Mon 24-Jan-11
3:29 pm
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paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

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TA: Should I post this somewhere else ?

 

It might be a revolutionary way to make popcorn, on the other hand it might be a way to make us think before we use our mobile phones.

 

Ignore the advert and see what I mean, click on:

 

POPCORN

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

Mon 24-Jan-11
4:36 pm
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bobbyW
East Suffolk almost near the sea and the Castle on the Hill.

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some are a bit too long to read, I prefer the short ones.

 

As a senior citizen was driving down the A14, his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Harold, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on at Newmarket. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Harold , "It's not just one car.. It's dozens of them!"

"NEVER RIDE FASTER THAN YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL CAN FLY"
Your future self is watching you right now through memories

Mon 24-Jan-11
4:56 pm
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Toffeeapple
North Bucks

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Chris, I think that is the perfect place to post that one - it does make one think though...

Seth, I've seen that happen in France, it was quite frightening.

I'll try that again!

Mon 24-Jan-11
5:48 pm
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paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

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Last penny....

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy 3 shiny penny pieces to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue.'

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

Mon 24-Jan-11
8:00 pm
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Terrier
York

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gosh " that popcorn one makes you think twice about picking up the old mobile..

here's one to make you smile " or at least the women.

 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

or how about -

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Mon 24-Jan-11
8:19 pm
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seth
lincolnshire fens

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Toffeeapple said:

.

Seth, I've seen that happen in France, it was quite frightening.


 

???? Why pick on me ????? I was in B&Q ,young lady in front of me whispered into the deafaid of the assistant "Do you sell tampax?" Typically of the deaf he replied "DO YOU WANT THE ONES YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE HAMMER IN ONES ?"devil       runaway

Seed catalogues are responsible for more unfulfilled fantasies than the web and playboy combined . (after Michael Perry)

Tue 25-Jan-11
9:30 am
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paperman
Saxmundham, Suffolk

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the  British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for  improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become  known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will  replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump  with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should  klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There  will be growing publik enthusiasm in  the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f"..  This will make words like fotograf 20%  shorter.

In the  3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted  to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are  possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double  letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate  speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the  silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go  away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such  as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz  yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from  vordskontaining "ou"  and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil  sensi bl riten  styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil  find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali  kum tru.

Und  efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze  forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza  pepl.

I have reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me...

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