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- Joke of the Day
Sat 10-May-14
12:47 pm
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Ambersparkle

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Men, can be so obtuse!laugh

Thu 22-May-14
1:27 pm
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Original Redhead
Bulgaria

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A beautiful DHSS fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Dover immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Wiltshire with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..
' PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ , overlooking the river.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.
I want to be like an Englishman with designer clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Brits..
' PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Man U T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck, idiot! Now that you are a Brit, you have to fend for yourself.' And she disappeared!

Failing is not a fault, refusing to try is

Fri 23-May-14
4:09 pm
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Danny
Scarborough, England
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Haha - nice one, Tracey!

Just saw this on FB:

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own
car.
:She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local
Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was
feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just came from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I
bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was
stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the lov e of God!
Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started
waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have
been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his
middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the
back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned
out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious
experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I
bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon, Love, Grandma "

Never knowingly underfed

Sat 31-May-14
8:55 pm
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Ambersparkle

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Just loved that.  Reminds me of the Dear Son, Letters, wish I could remember them.wave

Sat 31-May-14
9:08 pm
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Xahha
Suffolk

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An Irish painter (from NI Danny) knocked on the door of an upmarket house seeking work. The lady of the house said I don't really have anything much for you, but the porch at the back needs re-painting, so the painter said right , I'll get on with that and come back to you when I have finished. A few hours later, he knocked on the front door and the lady answered as before. Have you finished now she said. Yes he replied, it was a tricky job to do missus, Oh and by the way it wasn't a Porsche it was a Mercedes!

 Are we having fun yet? I am!

Tue 10-Jun-14
10:11 am
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Danny
Scarborough, England
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Good one, H!

Never knowingly underfed

Sat 14-Jun-14
5:39 pm
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bobbyW
East Suffolk almost near the sea and the Castle on the Hill.

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Last week, Ethel checked into a Hotel on her 60th birthday 
and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those
men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for
a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with
assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair,
long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite
certain she could bounce a penny off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, madam, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded 
sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Your advert says give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my hotel room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it
now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -
tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything
and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9
for an outside line.

Ethel changed hotels.

"NEVER RIDE FASTER THAN YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL CAN FLY"
Your future self is watching you right now through memories

Sat 14-Jun-14
7:50 pm
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Toffeeapple
North Bucks

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Snort!

I'll try that again!

Sat 5-Jul-14
8:36 pm
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ep
Bulgaria

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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something 
cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with 
his little flippers. 
... 
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "it looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream.

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Tue 15-Jul-14
7:25 pm
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Hattie
Bucks/Oxon Border

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A friend sent me this earlier today & I thought I would pass it on to you as we all seem to have problems with our computers.  

Computers

 

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection

for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

 

"At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

 

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

 

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

 

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

 

6..... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

 

I love the next one!

 

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?” before deploying.

 

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

 

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

 

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

 

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!  "

 

"The beautiful is as useful as the useful...perhaps more so."

from Les Miserables

Tue 15-Jul-14
7:29 pm
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Sooliz
Somerset

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Brilliant, Nadine!!

learning to love veg…..except celery :-O

Tue 15-Jul-14
8:48 pm
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danast
Argyll, Scotland

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waveAbsolutely love it Nadine.  big_laugh

Old teachers never die, they just lose their class

Wed 16-Jul-14
3:50 pm
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Toffeeapple
North Bucks

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Oh, that is GOOD!

I'll try that again!

Wed 16-Jul-14
5:30 pm
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irist
Cornwall UK

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How true!big_laugh

Sun 20-Jul-14
2:05 pm
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bobbyW
East Suffolk almost near the sea and the Castle on the Hill.

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Italian Mama

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony, for dinner one evening.
Anthony lives with his female flat-mate Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's flat mate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
Anthony and his Maria than meets the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama,
Maria and I are just flat mates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house
and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son,
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response from his Mama which read:

My Dearest Antonio,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria and I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with her. But, the fact remains that if she
was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

"NEVER RIDE FASTER THAN YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL CAN FLY"
Your future self is watching you right now through memories

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