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- Joke of the Day
Sun 20-Jul-14
3:01 pm
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Xahha
Suffolk

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Brilliant! Made me laugh out loud!

 Are we having fun yet? I am!

Sun 20-Jul-14
5:57 pm
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danast
Argyll, Scotland

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wave Excellent!!  big_laugh

Old teachers never die, they just lose their class

Tue 22-Jul-14
6:15 am
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ep
Bulgaria

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Subject: 60,70,80 years of age

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.." 
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"asked the 70-year old.
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00
and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"


"I don't wake up until 7:00 ."

 

runawayrunaway

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Mon 11-Aug-14
3:10 pm
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ep
Bulgaria

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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch.
"How'd you end up with a peg-leg?" asks the sailor. "I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate. " A shark bit off me whole leg."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords.
One of them cut me hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "And the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Yes", Said the pirate. "It was the first day with the hook."

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Mon 25-Aug-14
8:36 am
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ep
Bulgaria

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A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20 mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?

 

runawayrunaway

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Mon 25-Aug-14
5:14 pm
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danast
Argyll, Scotland

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wave  Getting worse Elsa!!!   big_laugh   big_laugh   big_laugh

Old teachers never die, they just lose their class

Fri 26-Sep-14
7:21 am
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ep
Bulgaria

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Overheard in church, a lady praying:  (Pinched and posted)

"Dear Lord," she said, "This has been a tough two or three years.
You have taken my favourite actor Richard Attenborough.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favourite football manager Bobby Robson.
My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros
My favourite singer Whitney Houston.
My favourite comedienne Joan Rivers
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:
Alec Salmond, Tony Blair, John Prescott, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown, Harriet Harman, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband (in no particular order).
Amen.".

runawayrunaway

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Fri 26-Sep-14
9:50 am
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Ambersparkle

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Wonder who thinks these up,Elsa. Loved it. x

Tue 14-Oct-14
4:29 pm
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ep
Bulgaria

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The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens
he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he
went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in
the village, so he questioned
his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock? '

All the men stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock? '
All the women stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them? '
Half the women stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests
and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Tue 14-Oct-14
9:05 pm
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Ambersparkle

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How naughty you are!laughrunaway

Wed 15-Oct-14
7:58 am
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ep
Bulgaria

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I know but it brightens the day Christine....wink

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Wed 15-Oct-14
10:00 am
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Xahha
Suffolk

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It made me laugh.

 Are we having fun yet? I am!

Tue 21-Oct-14
6:35 pm
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ep
Bulgaria

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

 

whistlewhistle

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Thu 6-Nov-14
4:23 pm
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ep
Bulgaria

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UK WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE, Spend it Wisely.

About this time of the year, us older taxpayers in the UK will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will give to taxpayers
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland and Luxembourg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Switzerland.
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.
* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you buy a luxury car it will go to India or Germany
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore


Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)

Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day and night! It's the patriotic thing to do.
No need to thank me... Just glad I could be of help.

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Thu 6-Nov-14
5:08 pm
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danast
Argyll, Scotland

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wave  That is so clever!!  big_laugh

Old teachers never die, they just lose their class

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