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- Joke of the Day
Thu 6-Nov-14
6:20 pm
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Ambersparkle

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When can I start?laugh

Fri 7-Nov-14
9:33 am
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ep
Bulgaria

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This made me chuckle....whistle

 

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

Late in the night he regained consciousness.  He found himself in agonizing pain

in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.  She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say,

 "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your boobs, then?" 

THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Fri 7-Nov-14
9:37 am
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danast
Argyll, Scotland

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wave  On the ball as usual Elsa!!!!   whistle  big_laugh  big_laugh

Old teachers never die, they just lose their class

Fri 7-Nov-14
9:46 am
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brightspark
Wilts

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Good one, Elsa! ok

"How do you spell 'Love'?" (Piglet). 

"You don't spell it, you feel it" (Pooh).

 'A hug,' said Pooh 'is always the right size!' 

Fri 7-Nov-14
12:13 pm
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Ambersparkle

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Naughty!

Sat 8-Nov-14
5:05 am
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ep
Bulgaria

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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table...He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.  After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
 
They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. 
 
Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. ... ....

'You just happened to catch my eye.'    winkwink

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Sat 8-Nov-14
9:47 am
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danast
Argyll, Scotland

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wave Elsa, did I really read that all the way through to get to that corny punchline????? big_laugh   Very clever!!! big_laugh

Old teachers never die, they just lose their class

Sat 8-Nov-14
10:12 am
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brightspark
Wilts

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As Danuta has said ..........

Groan!

Still, keep 'em coming, Elsa - it's good to groan, or to laugh sometimes! big_laugh  ok

"How do you spell 'Love'?" (Piglet). 

"You don't spell it, you feel it" (Pooh).

 'A hug,' said Pooh 'is always the right size!' 

Sat 3-Jan-15
5:58 am
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ep
Bulgaria

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A lawyer went duck hunting in Roche, Cornwall . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here. Get off my land"

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this with the'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck!"

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Mon 16-Feb-15
8:33 am
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ep
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A father and son are in a restaurant he gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, serious looking woman, is sitting nearby reading a newspaper and sipping her coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the table, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first then gradually more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, he had never seen anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..........runaway

Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Wed 18-Mar-15
3:09 pm
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ep
Bulgaria

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IRISH LOGIC
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and  hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously. "What happened!!
 
I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to me wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found: Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!  This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m  done. I am leaving forever!"
 
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is I something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."  
 
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile... "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation . . . she never got your email!"
 

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Who lives long sees much : The diary of my life in Bulgaria

Wed 18-Mar-15
8:30 pm
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Ambersparkle

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That is so funny.

Mon 20-Jul-15
6:40 pm
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bobbyW
East Suffolk almost near the sea and the Castle on the Hill.

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then
administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments
and softly asked 'How does that feel'?
Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

"NEVER RIDE FASTER THAN YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL CAN FLY"
Your future self is watching you right now through memories

Mon 20-Jul-15
11:43 pm
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brightspark
Wilts

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Oh, Bobby - I do so look forward to reading your jokes. big_laugh   big_laugh

"How do you spell 'Love'?" (Piglet). 

"You don't spell it, you feel it" (Pooh).

 'A hug,' said Pooh 'is always the right size!' 

Mon 24-Aug-15
5:55 pm
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bobbyW
East Suffolk almost near the sea and the Castle on the Hill.

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"NEVER RIDE FASTER THAN YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL CAN FLY"
Your future self is watching you right now through memories

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