The Cottage Smallholder

My neighbour and agree on many things

1) Squirrels are bulb-stealing bastards.

2) The best use of a sexpigeon is a PIE.

3) Do not discard your vest until late May unless the weather is truly exceptional ( today we are vestless).

4) You have to choose inside or outside.Both cannot be tidy and organised and up to the minute.That way madness lies.

Sexpigeons are Woodpigeons that have forsaken the harsh life of foraging in the woods  and live entirely for pleasure and pleasuring on and around suburban roofs and television aerials occasionally ineptly 'building' rudimentary nests in highly unsuitable places.Their habits include laying eggs on steep sloping roofs so they just roll off onto unsuspecting householders as they leave their back doors,gorging themselves on birdtables that have been built for use by birds way smaller than they are, falling about the garden smashing plants willy-nilly and flying into patio doors. On warm days they entertain themselves, when not engaging in aspects of hot pigeon lurve, which is all they do for 99% of their waking hours, by wandering into conservatories and getting surprised by the owner with catastrophic results.In colder weather they prefer to fall down chimneys,preferably those with a blocked fireplace behind a fitted cupboard at the bottom.

Sex Pigeons have almost lost the ability to think, fly,walk or balance but have wildy overactive libidos,absurdly over-compensatory self-confidence,hearty appetites, very loud voices and BIG BOOTS which they keep hidden up on the roof above our bedroom and put on to dance around in at 4 am...