The Cottage Smallholder


stumbling self sufficiency in a small space

Thank you. And a few thoughts on love.

Dr Quito and Inca running off to enjoy the snow

Dr Quito and Inca running off to enjoy the snow

I just wanted to thank every reader for checking out my last two posts. Readers are essential life blood for a blog. They keep a bloggers heart pumping.

I also need to thank all the readers who have made a comment on my last two posts. Initially I tried to answer each one but I quickly realised that I was getting out of my depth. I just had too much going on to give decent replies. Many apologies.

You comments have been a godsend. They make me think, give me courage and hope. And they often make me cry. Your thoughts and genuine goodwill have made me feel cherished.

The question that I’m looking at now is why do we need to mess it up and rock the boat? It happens in every walk of life. The knives in the back. Why the constant office politics? Why the need for marriage counselling? Why do so many close liaisons break down?

Why do we so often have the need to demean each other in close relationships? Is it just the need to say “I’m O.K. because you are not so O.K.” Why does our lack of confidence make us cruel so often?

It’s crazy but when things are going badly wrong in a relationship all the rest of the world seems to have got the answer. Even the birds seem to have happily paired up.

A few days after I had split up with Danny I walked to the village shop to buy some essential supplies. I’d braced myself for running the gauntlet of the shop – the heart of gossip in our small community.

What I hadn’t prepared for was meeting anyone on the way there.

I spotted a couple in their sixties walking towards me hand in hand. They looked so happy and content. As I passed them they had turned to examine a frosted spider’s web on a gate. They studied it in wonder and then they hugged.

I cried then – hot tears welling up. I wanted to pound the pavement with my fists. I considered turning back. How could I go to the shop with red eyes?

But I did. And when I eventually reached my gate again, they were just a bit ahead of me. Still exuding their happiness and love for each other. They had clearly stopped and stared at special things that I’d bullnecked past in my sorrow and rage.

I must admit that at the moment I’m happy being on my own. I think that it will be a long time before I would or even could actively look for a new partner. However that couple walking hand in hand in a sleepy village, passed by chance, gave me renewed hope in the human capacity to love unconditionally.


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37 Comments

  1. I don’t have any answers to your questions Fiona except to say that some times one door closes so another can open with a fresh new exciting start. Thats what happened to me twenty six years ago. At the time I was so hurt and confused I didn’t know how I would ever manage. But hey ho manage I did and became strong with more self confidence than I had ever had before. A fresh door opened after a couple of years with a fantastic new job and a few months later I found my future husband. I couldn’t help but cry whilst reading your post, it really touched my heart strings. Keep strong Dear friend and let the new adventures you are due come to you. When the time is right that door will open and your heart will begin to sing out aloud again xxxxxx

  2. KathyinLondon

    We forget what goes on behind closed doors. I remember being jealous of a loved up couple many years ago and I was so unhappy at the time. Only later did I realise that he had many affairs, she just kept quiet as it was easier.

  3. Fiona Nevile

    How depressing Kathy

    Even though I refuse to believe that everyone has a hidden agenda of spite and malice

  4. Maggie L.

    Oh Fiona – I have just logged on for the first time in weeks (worrying about you when no new posts appeared – I even tried to find out if your death had been reported in an English newspaper!). Like some others I am a lurker in the background who reads the blog, learns from it and enjoys it. I am deeply saddened by what you have had to go through, and send my very best wishes for strength, health and happiness. I think you are going to go from strength to strength now you are not being continually knocked back by grindingly hurtful and negative comments from your partner. Take care of yourself, you deserve a really GOOD 2013. X

    • Fiona Nevile

      Thank you Maggie – so delighted that you made a comment!

      I still love D. We have loads in common and chat every now and again.

      But after just a couple of weeks I know that I’m far happier on my own.

      When I waver I remember D’s last comment during that final row. It’s unrepeatable but etched deeply into my memory. In fact it’s more the terrible anger than the words that I recall.

      My sister, Seraphina has been visiting once a week. When she saw our bedrooms she remarked gently that it was clear that both of us had been severely depressed for a very long time.

      I am being treated for depression. D was not but he was clearly suffering from depression. He needs a little kindness here. Untreated depression is a bomb just waiting to go off.

      After the initial declaration 12 years ago it was always me that brought it up. OK he reiterated his comment but he never taunted me with it. Unfortunately a comment like that gets under your skin, especially if the relationship remains celibate. Hurtful comments are like a cancerous growth .
      In the end I had to let go to survive.

  5. Michelle from Oregon

    My Mother always says, “Its better to be well alone than sick with somebody…or sick of somebody.”
    (Don’t be impressed, she stole that from someone!) :D
    So glad that you’re writing again, even with such a sad subject matter. (((hugs)))

  6. Janet Anderson

    You have a good strong core from the sounds of your posts. I won’t try and advise you on what is to come but I think you have the fortitude to take whatever is thrown at you.

    I wish you all the best and amd glad you hven’t given up your blog. I really enjoy your posts and I am thinking positive thoughts your way!

    Janet in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

    • Fiona Nevile

      Thanks Janet for your comment.

      Fortitude- that’s a big word.

      Yes I’m resilient but I dread what’s to come.

      Thank you for being there for me.

  7. Yes, it’s good that you’re writing again. You are resilient. Both you and D deserve peace and joy. There still is much adventure to greet in your life, Fiona. When you’re ready, it will be around the corner.

  8. “Familiarity breeds contempt”…I guess that is what makes us take out our frustrations on people that we love. We take each other for granted because we are always there. There isn’t any time for wistful thinking about each other because we are in each others faces, dirty towels on the floor, bad habits “you left the toilet seat up again!!!”…and warts and all. Nothing cuts you to the quick like a lost love but it can also be a good time to clear yourself out and learn to love just being by yourself. I hope you are able to pass couples by soon without even noticing them. Life goes on and so will you :)

  9. I sometimes wonder if our collective focus on finding THE ONE to spend the rest of infinity with is not misguided. People grow and people change; ideally you grow and change together, in the same direction. But when you don’t, it’s ok to separate. I look around and see couples who have stayed together simply from inertia, and all the while they move further and further apart emotionally. And the people around them gush about how they’re amazing for having been together 30+ years or whatever it is. I think it’s only worth celebrating if they are still happy together.

    I’m so very sorry for the pain you are going through right now, but this change is a good thing. As I hope you see from all the comments, you are not alone and you are cherished. I’ve been making regular visits to your blog since the day of Mrs Boss even though I rarely comment. My thoughts are with you and I look forward to your new adventures in 2013!

  10. When I split up with Pete, I seemed to be surrounded by ancient couples celebrating their umpteenth anniversary – a milestone I’ll never reach now. Even months after the event it could make me blub like a baby.

    I think it’s an important safety valve – we struggle on and try to minimise the emotions we’re feeling, but they need to be let out occasionally.

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