The Cottage Smallholder


stumbling self sufficiency in a small space

A quick update on me

Wyandotte hen named Hope

My favourite hen named Hope

I sat down and worked out that for at least half of my adult life – having passed the magical ‘adult’ age of 21 – I’ve spent exactly half of my adult life living alone.

That’s actually 19 years. So I’m not a stranger to that solo state. There are benefits. At home you can be horrifyingly selfish. Watch trashy TV. Eat sandwiches for every meal. Never have to get that resigned nod when you want to buy something. Not brush your hair unless you’re going out.

And of course there’s the flip side. No longer part of a team when two people to work out the best course of action. No one to say that I’m being ridiculous when I actually was being a bit silly. No one to eat with when I’ve pulled out all the stops to make a great meal. No hugs.

There’s the rub. Hugs are really important.

Your virtual hugs have given me so much solace. The stories that some people have shared have made me weep. Why are some people so cruel?

Danny is a good guy. I’m fond of him. He is still clearing out his stuff so we meet regularly. We chat on the phone. He is building a life way outside the boundaries of my life. Of course I’m curious. Long distant friendships are deceptively easy.

It’s when he backs his new (to him) car into the drive that I quail a bit inside. For the first few minutes I hate him.

Within half and hour I’m enjoying the fact that we are now just friends.

Our exclusive one to one relationship had run out of steam. I must admit, I do mourn that. We both tried valiantly to keep it going.

Since he left the tears that used to dominate my day have gradually dispersed. They’re still there and their return always surprises me. Yesterday, in the supermarket car park, I was knocked back by unexpected tears. Thank god I’d done my shopping and was sitting in my car. So I just let go and sobbed – hoping that no one that I knew would spot my car and approach with an encouraging smile. People are frightened by upsets and avoid disasters, so it was unlikely.

Of course I feel very low sometimes.

I’ve joined the gaggle of single businessmen looking for a tempting evening meal for one in the local supermarket. Gradually I’ve stopped overbuying food that I just can’t consume – Danny always ate for at least two.

I’m now feeling so much better than I’ve done for years. A very long time ago I used to feel a tingling in my feet – it made me think that I was charged with some sort of super energy.

Last night when I was relaxing Min Pins on lap, my feet tingled.

 


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52 Comments

  1. I never read your blog to hear about Danny. I won’t miss him one bit. He was NOT the reason your blog was successful. You are a talented writer. I hope to see you back again. Creating raises endorphins, my girl.

  2. Patricia

    Fiona, I am so, so very happy that you’re back. I don’t care what you post, I’m just happy to read your posts. They make me think, they help me plan and they make me laugh – and true to form, your post from the other day made me think about all the times in my life that I was single, alone and not lonely – it was good being able to think back about how sad it felt on certain days, when I would realize that two apples would make a small pie, who needed a big one, which would of course make me cry – who needs a big pie? You made me laugh when I got to the end and you were snuggled with the min pins in your lap with tingling feet – I can just picture it.
    Recover at your own pace – we’ll all be here for you.

  3. Jean | DelightfulRepast.com

    Fiona, you’ve had such a difficult year. I hope you are taking good care of yourself and building self-esteem and that you’ll bake yourself an 8th blogiversary cake come August! Wishing you all the best.

  4. Sue Long

    Welcome back dear friend. It is lovely to hear from you again. The hugs are still being sent and if you ever fancy a visit, remember I am not so far away xx

  5. So glad and relieved you’re ok and things are gradually easing up for you. All the best!

  6. Dorothea

    Rub my eyes….is this true ? Our friend has returned. Please don’t go away again Fiona….you’ve made my/our day…happy day….happy days to come.

  7. so good to see a post from you – I have missed this blog. Take care – best wishes and a big virtual hug from me.

  8. Ambersparkle

    Dear Fiona, so glad you are back, please do keep blogging. Sending you love and hugs. Tina x

  9. Can only concur with the comments above. I was only thinking of you this afternoon as I made your seedless blackberry and apple jam. It’s good to have you back!

  10. Welcome home, you have been missed!

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